


Thinking About Breathing

by Cartopathy



Series: Surrounding Those Million Stars [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Established Relationship, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 00:06:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5890390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartopathy/pseuds/Cartopathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn touches Poe’s face, knowing that Poe is still mostly naked, and instead of worrying about “a physical defect that must be obliterated” he thinks of crooked smiles and laughter that laps like waves and warm eyes and warm hands and that time a week ago when Poe had whispered in his ear, “I love you.”<br/>________________________________________</p><p>Poe relishes making a show of his love because everyone knows Poe fell harder than a Hyperspace collision for Finn. The man who saved Poe’s life, who carried out Poe’s mission, who fought a war that never should have been his to fight just so he could save his friend, cause that’s Finn, the man Poe fell for, the man who’s too good for all of them.</p><p>Especially Poe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Finn and Poe are in a small house on a cliff side on holiday and the stars close enough to be visible at twilight are blinking in the purple sky. Finn can see them through the skylight as he lies on his back in bed. Poe is all the way over on the couch, setting out blankets for himself and Finn wants to protest but he knows, this is for the best.

There is always something in Poe stronger than Finn when they kiss. There is a desire for something more and the knowledge of where to find it.

But to Finn, it is all confusion and terror, and he can barely cope with the responses of his own body alone in bed at night thinking of Poe. His pulse accelerates; he remembers two nights ago when, for the first time, he had intentionally brought himself to fruition. It had started with thoughts of Poe and yet could only be continued by thoughts of breathing and relaxing.

He can’t imagine any other way. He can’t imagine what he knows Poe must imagine when he’s alone at night, the images he was shown as a child so he could be trained to despise the very thought. And he does, he despises it, not for itself but for the adrenaline it releases in him that pulls him under water and suffocates him.

He looks at the stars, remembering that far away place with those strange images, naked bodies pressed together, and it conjures in him feelings of alienation, or curiosity. What pleasure was there in such an act?

His eyes fall closed. There is a man, unclothed, his body sleek and attractive and something in Finn begins to understand the draw. His curiosity shifts the image in his mind. The body remains, but the face is Poe’s and he is looking at Finn the way Poe does just before they kiss, with that intensity and that fire behind his eyes.

Finn takes a deep breath, arching his back. He his hard and he can only imagine Poe stepping closer, his naked hips rubbing against Finn’s erection while they kiss and the image is strong and Finn forgets he needs to count his breaths. Forgets that the tightness in his chest is not really suffocation, that this is not death.

His eyes bolt open and he is gasping for breath.

***

Poe tucks a blanket into the couch cushion, already missing Finn’s proximity. He looks to the bed, and Finn is lying there peaceful, his eyes closed and Poe smiles. If it were any other man, Poe would have crawled across the bed, nuzzling him and resting on his shoulder to kiss his jaw.

But with Finn Poe just watches, pleased—surprised—that Finn even wanted to come with him, to let Poe kiss him, even if only sometimes.

Soon Finn is stretching, arching his back, breathing faster and faster. Poe knows he is not enjoying himself and runs over to the bed. Finn’s eyes open wide. His hands are gripping the sheets.

“Finn,” Poe says. “Finn, breathe.”

Finn looks at Poe, eyes locking together and Finn breathes, slowing the pace and calming down. He closes his eyes, covers his face. Poe steals a glance, noting Finn’s erection, and he sits down beside him even though he asks, “Do you want me to go for a walk, give you some space?”

Poe is surprised that Finn shakes his head and reaches for his hand, but he is glad to hold Finn’s hand. It reminds him of nights he spent at Finn’s bedside when Finn was still sleeping, before they knew each other by more than just a name and a war. Before they knew about each other’s weaknesses and brokenness. Before they’d had the opportunity to sit in peace together, to laugh together, to cry together.

After five minutes, Poe has to shift. His feet are falling asleep and his arm aches. He lies down next to Finn, leaving space between their bodies, but still gripping Finn’s hand.

Twenty minutes later Finn takes one last deep breath and turns to Poe. “Sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be.” Poe smiles.

“I just thought….” Finn looks up at the skylight, and Poe follows suit. The sky is now black, with clouds of light from the nearby stars glowing in a milky cluster.

Finn continues. “I just thought, maybe, if I could really focus, then I could let you touch me.”

“Touch you?”

Finn smiles. “Yes.”

Poe smiles, too, amazed to see Finn talking about it openly without fear in his eyes, for once. It’s progress for Finn, and Poe is so pleased for him.

“I did it the other night. I just kept thinking about breathing, instead of thinking about what it felt like, and you’re right, it’s….” His speech trails off.

“Pretty great?” Poe offers. But the fear is back in Finn’s eyes and Poe can only begin to grasp how terrifying it must be for Finn to try to enjoy the pleasure when he can barely allow it to happen.

Finn doesn’t answer.

“Maybe some other time.”

“I think,” Finn begins. “I think I could do it for you.”

Poe stammers. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t want me to?”

Poe is hard, and he has to stop himself from reaching down and touching himself. “I think it will give you another panic attack.”

“But I wouldn’t be the one….”

Poe squeezes his hand. “I think it would be harder for you than you think, seeing me in that state. And I don’t think it’s fair for you to get me off when I can’t get you off in return. I want to share it with you, you know?”

Finn looks at the skylight. He lets go of Poe’s hand, and moves it towards his own erection.

Poe’s heart quickens, watching Finn press his hand into his pants and grip himself. Finn’s eyes close and Poe wants so desperately to reach into his own pants and join Finn, from across the bed. He is clenching his teeth, telling himself to go outside and allow Finn to finish himself in peace.

Finn speaks. “Close your eyes.”

“I’ll leave.”

“No.” Finn takes another deep breath. “Stay there. We’ll do it like this.”

Poe is silent, certain he’s only hearing what he wants to be hearing. “Together?”

Finn opens his eyes and looks at Poe. “Yeah, together. But you have to stay over there. Don’t touch me.”

Poe closes his eyes, breathing hard. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

Poe opens his eyes. They smile at each other from across the bed. Finn’s eyes close, and his hand begins to move and, Poe closes his own eyes, gripping himself and moving slowly.

Despite all his experience, despite the commonness of such an act, Poe feels like his nerves have been attached to a power coupling and electricity is surging through every inch of his body.

He can hear Finn growing breathy beside him and he quickens his pace and moans. Finn moans in response, a shorter, higher moan that Poe’s, more of a plea than anything else.

He continues moving, growing more and more electric. Finn is still breathing hard and loud, harder and louder and Poe cannot tell if he is about to spill, or if he is panicking. “Finn,” he says. “Breathe.”

The breath slows and Poe breathes quietly, listening close. Finn moans and it is no longer a plea but a demand and Poe cannot help but join, letting out his own low groan.

Finn takes another breath and Poe waits for the next desperate noise to escape his mouth, but Finn’s voice catches in his throat and he grunts and sighs.

It is so easy for Poe to catch up, to quicken his pace and relish the noises that Finn is still making, to relax into his own hand and breath deep and release, making sure to be vocal about it so Finn understands, so Finn knows how much pleasure he got out of sharing the act with him.

He lies breathing next to Finn until Finn’s breath is even. “Can I open my eyes?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Finn says.

Finn’s face has small pricks of sweat along the forehead. Poe smiled at his placid face. “Was that good?”

Finn’s rolls toward Poe, propping himself above him and leaning down for a kiss. “It was so good,” he says. He kisses Finn again. “Was it good enough for you?”

Poe laughs. “Amazing.” He lifts his head from the pillows to steal a quick kiss dripping off Finn’s lips. “It was so good.”

The force of Finn’s next kiss surprises Poe. It is deep and sincere and reminiscent of the sultriness Poe felt at his final stroke, when he’d bucked his hip against his hand and released.

It is the first time Poe has ever felt hunger in Finn’s mouth, as though Finn were trying to devour him, swallow him whole and he relishes it and returns the fervor. But Poe knows they only have so long before Finn will have to focus to avoid has panic again. He gages the time based on his own body, and it seems too soon to pull away but he does.

Finn looks affronted, yet relieved.

“We should stop, or we’ll get into trouble.” Poe smiles.

Finn smiles back. “Agreed.” Finn lies down on his stomach, overlapping somewhat with Poe’s so that his head can rest on Poe’s shoulder. “Just don’t sleep on the couch.”

“I’ll stay as long as you want.”

Finn falls asleep like this, in Poe’s arms.

Poe stares out at the stars above. He knows they are at the edge of the galaxy and that almost all the rest of its systems and planets are now splayed across the small skylight above him. He can’t believe that among all of the peoples on all the surfaces of every inhabited moon and planet and several asteroids and countless starships surrounding those million stars, he’s the one person who gets to hold Finn in his arms while he falls asleep.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Poe is letting water wash over him, warm and comforting like a good night’s sleep, like being drunk, like feeling the weight of Finn’s arm across his chest at night when they sleep in that bed together in their own quarters just the two of them. He relishes it, here in the shower, on his naked body because there is only so far he can go with Finn, and every now and then he just needs his body to feel, to be wet and hot and drenched in desire and satisfaction.

The shower glass is steamed and water is beading like sweat, dripping down its surface. Poe’s hair is slicked back with water, his head leaned back into the shower stream and he’s coaxing his cock toward satisfaction when Finn walks in.

Poe doesn’t stop, not right away. Finn likes this, he said so. He likes watching, likes listening, likes knowing that Poe is thinking of him, and Poe is thinking of Finn, always, and especially now.

But usually if Finn is watching, Poe is mostly beneath the covers, or Finn is only listening, his eyes shut tight, perhaps joining from across the room, across the couch across the bed.

And maybe that’s why when he wipes the glass for Finn to see, Finn takes a step back with wide eyes that close shut tight so fast.

Finn is standing over the sink now, bracing himself on the counter. “I’m sorry, Poe,” he keeps saying and Poe doesn’t understand why he apologizes so often.

Poe turns off the water and steps onto the tile, pulling a towel around his waist, flattening his erection as much as he can.

“Sorry,” he says, “I thought you’d enjoy…I mean, that was my intent.” His hand is on Finn’s shoulder.

***

Finn feels Poe’s hand on his shoulder, and it adds to the rush of adrenaline, to the shortness of breath. This pounding, this terror inside of him, clawing at his lungs and reaching its hands around his ribs one by one trying to snap them, brings him back in time to similar moments when he sat in a chair and a voice over a comm said _these images bring frailty to the Order because they cause in you a physical defect that must be obliterated._ And after the voice his legs were lit on fire with electric shock, his legs and his groin and his lower abdomen and two lines to his chest and it was far away in a different world—at least that’s what he told himself over and over and over shouting at himself through the fear, through the memory of that voice and his own screaming, and through the pain he tried to reach himself to bring him back to the room he knew he stood with a man who had saved him in so many ways.

“Fuck!” He yells it out loud because it is the only way his voice in the present can reach the rest of his body that is stuck now in the past. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuck…” he chews the word in his mouth, feeling it physically inside of him. It anchors his body ever so slightly in the real world, in the present.

He doesn’t realize he’s crumpling up under the weight of the memory of the pain until his face is pressed against the cold tile and then he notices his body itself is pressed against the same ground, the same cold, the same flat white surface when he opens his eyes to see he is in the corner of a bathroom on a planet that has trees and cliffs and oceans and Poe Dameron.

Poe is knelt beside him with a glass of water and a small white pill. “It will help,” Poe says, and Finn knows it will because he’s taken this pill before, swallowed it whole and let it cut off communications with his memories.

It makes him languid and languorous and lilting, just enough, just enough to let him reach out and touch Poe’s face, knowing that Poe is still mostly naked, and instead of worrying about _a physical defect that must be obliterated_ he thinks of crooked smiles and laughter that laps like waves and warm eyes and warm hands and that time a week ago when Poe had whispered in his ear, “I love you.”

Poe is lifting him from the floor, lifting him from the ashes of the burning he felt in his memory, and Poe pulls a towel over Finn’s shoulders wrapping it snug like a blanket over bare skin so that when Poe grips him tight and sways him side to side whispering their song in his ears— _it’s OK, Finn. It’s OK—_ Finn won’t have to feel bare skin against bare skin and sink again to the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

There are pilots and crewmen and droids and fighters and Lieutenants and a General sat in the briefing room behind and next to Finn, who sits front row but off to the corner so he can gaze at Poe without being to visible. His plan is foiled, though, because Poe keeps gazing back as he stands in front of half the population of the base, sharing the data Snap recovered, explaining flight paths and rendezvous points and looking off to the corner every time he takes a breath.

It’s pointless. Finn knows it’s pointless, trying to be discreet, trying not to cause a scene every time they’re in a room together. Everyone knows Finn fell hard as a crash landing for the brightest jewel in the Resistance fleet, the man before them all today explaining how to fight this battle, win the war, save the world. Cause that’s Poe, that’s the man Finn fell for, the man who can fly anything.

One hell of a pilot.

There’s no reason Finn should feel so embarrassed, still, when Poe winks at him in front of everyone. There’s no reason at all it should still feel like a clap of thunder, no reason Poe should still look like the clouds of light from so many stars close together in the night sky, and no reason he can think of why he shouldn’t get out of his seat right now and kiss the hell out of him. _All of the hell all the way out._

Until Snap starts to speak again and Finn remembers there are other people in the galaxy.

***

It’s Snap’s turn to talk now, and Poe looks to Finn, sitting in the front row but all the way off to the side so Poe has to turn his head so obviously toward him while everyone watches, and Poe relishes that, relishes making a show of his love because everyone knows Poe fell harder than a Hyperspace collision for this man in the front row. The man who saved Poe’s life, who carried out Poe’s mission, who fought a war that never should have been his to fight just so he could save his friend, cause that’s Finn, the man Poe fell for, the man who’s too good for all of them.

Especially Poe.

There’s only one reason Poe doesn’t step over and kiss him right this moment, and that reason is named General Organa and she’s the only person on base Poe’s ever been intimidated by.

So Poe waits until after the briefing, when everyone leaves and Finn stays and people who have lingered catch a glimpse of the two of them across the room from each other but going nowhere and decide to vacate and shut the doors behind them.

Poe doesn’t make the first move and he doesn’t have to because Finn’s already walking toward him with a look in his eyes that Poe knows is a warning that Finn wants something dangerous.

They kiss for a moment and it’s such a relief to finally touch, to finally taste. Finn stands so close, hips pressed to Poe’s and there are no secrets between them; they want each other, now.

Finn breathes hot against Poe’s ear. “I want you to get me off,” he says, and Finn has never said anything like this before and Poe reminds himself to be wary, to be gentle, to be attentive. He grabs Finn’s arms and leads him into the nook at the front of the room, just past where Finn had been sitting.

“Is this good enough?” Poe asks and Finn nods. “And you’re sure you want me to get you off?”

Finn’s hand is tight around Poe’s wrist and he is not gentle when he pulls it towards his erection and presses Poe’s fingers against it through his pants. “If I say to stop, you stop, but I want this.” He is already breathing hard. “If I don’t say stop you keep going.”

Poe looks Finn in the eye and sees his sincerity. “OK,” he said. He grabs Finn’s shoulder and turns him toward the wall, reaching around front again to rub at his bulge. “Is this OK for you? Just gives me a better angle is all.”

“Yeah, it’s good,” Finn says, lilting his head to the side and resting it against Poe’s.

Poe hears his breath, feels it hot on his temple when his head arches back the moment Poe’s hand is against Finn’s bare cock. And it’s not just breaths any more—his hand moves—but desperate little moans, and catching sounds in his throat, and breezy sighs.

Finn’s hand grips at Poe behind him, catching his hip and pressing hard. He is all breath when he says, “faster,” and then his back arches and his shoulders and ass press against Poe he can tell Finn is going to come any moment, any moment.

Finn cries out and reaches his hands to catch his come from falling on the carpet. He leans back, his head toward Poe and Poe kisses him, his tongue pressing deep and his own heart thudding against his ribs because this is the first time he’s been allowed to touch Finn in this way and he can feel his own cock twitching, releasing precum, and he knows Finn can feel it against his hip, but Poe will not ask.

Instead he reaches for one of Finn’s sticky hands, lifting it to his mouth and licking it.

That’s when the door creaks open and General Organa takes several steps down the aisle when she mutters “Damn it, sorry, just looking for….” and Poe realizes she can see Finn’s pants pulled down enough to expose him and he can’t even worry about Finn before Finn is gasping for breath and muttering “Please don’t…please don’t, General. I’m sorry, I know, I’m sorry just please don’t,” and he’s pulled his pants back up and run out of the room with his hands still wet.

Leia turns away, letting Finn leave. She doesn’t look up at Poe but she waits a beat before asking “Should I be worried about him?”

“Leave that to me,” Poe says.

Poe remembers late night conversations about stormtroopers, when they’d first reappeared and they’d first gathered intelligence about who they were and where they would have come from following the destruction of the clone army. The clone army had originally required senate funds and a planet wide operation and decades, none of which the First Order had. He remembers reading through Snap’s intel with her at that point, details of the conditioning program with horrifying ideas mentioned but never spelled out in detail. Not the detail Poe knows now.

Now she is nodding sadly and Poe knows she’s remembering, too.

So he rushes past her and hears in the hallway Finn’s voice saying “Fuckfuckfuck” and finds him in the closest bathroom washing his hands and washing his hands and washing his hands again. Poe has a pill in his pocket and he is digging for it when Finn says, “No, I deserve this. I should feel like this. I should never have let you do that.”

Finn leaves and Poe stands in silence, angry with himself for everything bad that has ever happened to Finn, including everything that happened before they met. It doesn’t make sense, he knows that, but he’s still angry at himself about it, and feeling angry at himself is the only way he can feel like he’s accomplishing anything. He can’t comfort Finn with his presence. He can’t strike out on his own to destroy what’s left of the First Order. He can’t do anything except know that Finn is in agony, and that feeling angry at himself helps alleviate the uselessness he feels.


	4. Chapter 4

Finn is already in bed when Poe comes in that night and he doesn’t want to talk to Poe, doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to acknowledge that he is alive. He’s been waiting all day to be ready for this moment when Poe comes in, but now it’s here and he’s not ready yet.

He hears the sounds Poe’s shoes make when he kicks them off and they hit the wall. He heard the zip of Poe’s new jacket and the shruff if makes falling from his shoulders. The flop as it lands on the couch. Footsteps are soft and crescendo and Finn can see Poe standing in front of him now.

They look at each other and say nothing.

Poe bends forward and presses a kiss to Finn’s forehead.

Finn takes a deep breath, lets out a sigh. He is wearing the jacket Poe gave him and he pulls it tighter around himself and closes his eyes.

He is not ready to talk to Poe, but knowing he’s here, finally, Finn can calm and sleep. Somewhere in his mind he knows they won’t come collect him for reconditioning, but he has been alert all day nonetheless, waiting. It isn’t until Poe is here that his body relaxes. Finn knew beyond shadow of a doubt that Poe would abandon the Resistance—even kill the General—before letting them do any conditioning on Finn.

***

Poe sits on the couch and waits until Finn is sleeping because he knows Finn needs to sleep instead of talk and that talking can happen in the morning. He’s never felt what Finn feels in those moments when he panics, but he can see in Finn’s eyes how exhausting it is to be put under that much pressure, to be under that much stress.

So it is until Finn is sound asleep that Poe climbs under the covers, lying down close but not touching and falls asleep himself.

It’s still night time when he wakes and Finn is gasping for breath. His eyes are closed, though, and Poe doesn’t know if he should wake him or if he should leave him unconscious of what he’s going through.

With his hand on Finn’s chest he feels the clambering heart writhing inside trying to escape. It must be what Finn was like inside the First Order, pure heart, all struggle and fight, tender and delicate but strong enough to take them down.

He shakes Finn. Gently. Then stronger.

Finn’s eyes open and they are full of fear.

Poe grips his shoulders and looks him in the eye. “You’re safe,” he says.

Finn sits up, rubbing his forehead and clenching his eyes shut. Sweat is running down his temple.

Poe jostles him. “Tell me if you want a pill.”

Finn is nodding small quick nods. “I don’t know what I was thinking earlier, but I really want one.”

Poe keeps some in the night stand with a container of water and he lies across the bed and grabs it. Finn swallows and waits. His body calms—Poe is feeling his pulse in his wrist—and Finn begins to cry. Poe wraps arms around his shoulder and holds him.

Finn speaks through clenched teeth. “I hate this! I hate this so much!”

Poe reaches his palm against the far side of Finn’s neck and pulls his head to rest against Poe’s forehead. “It will get better.”

Finn’s hands are clenched together in a tight fist. He looks up at Poe, his eyes set in determination. “It’s your turn,” he says.

“For what?”

Finn breaks Poe’s grip around him and shoves him back against the mattress, climbs on top of him and kisses him soundly. Poe feels himself go hard. Finn releases the kiss and smirks. “Yeah,” he says, “your turn for that.”

Poe takes a deep breath.

“But I want to try something I heard some of the others talking about.”

“Oh?”

Finn smiles, and it’s so endearing. He pulling the covers off of Poe, and tugging at his pants and he looks up at Poe and says, “Tell me if you think it’s weird, OK?”

Poe laughs to himself. “OK, I’ll say.” He can’t imagine any way that Finn could touch him that he wouldn’t like.

Finn bends down, though, and takes Poe into his mouth and Poe gasps, moaning immediately. “S’not weird,” he breathes. Poe’s skin is on fire and he feels the wet and warmth and can’t help but moaning over and over.

Ever now and then his moan catches in a sharp intake and he has to say, “teeth,” and Finn corrects it and Poe is moaning again.

There is something about Finn— _Finn_ —having identified that act and determining to try it with Poe that makes the experience that much better. Sure there are clumsy moments, but Finn’s determination to learn and to experiment, his confidence despite everything to ask for something, to _want_ to know more, to want to do something _for_ Poe, gives Poe such admiration and respect for Finn. There is no timidness in Finn about it, even when there is fear and uncertainty, and Poe is so turned on by that and he comes quickly and moans, “God, Finn, I love you.”

Finn swallows him and then looks up, his eyes shifting. “Poe, I swallowed it.”

Poe laughs.

“I didn’t know what else to do with it. I don’t know, it just kind of happened.”

Poe sits up. “Well, did you like it?”

Finn’s brow furrows, then a smirk settles on his lips. “Yeah, actually. I really did. You?”

Poe nods. “Can’t you tell?”

Finn climbs back up the bed and kisses Poe again. “Some day this is going to be easy. I’m going to be really good at this. You won’t have to look at me like I’m going to break at any moment.”

***

After he says this, Poe is looking at him, and he’s not looking at Finn like he could break at any moment. He’s looking at Finn like he’s going to devour him and Finn wants him to. It makes Finn feel strong, safe, powerful. It makes him feel like the First Order were nothing but petty children and in this moment he could just ignore everything they’d ever done to him.

Then Poe says, “Your turn. Lie back.”

Finn is startled. He hasn’t been expecting reciprocation, but he determines to accept it and he tries to pay attention to the noises he’s making, wanting Poe to get the same satisfaction, the same pleasure out of hearing his voice that Finn gets listening to Poe come. He closes his eyes and he’s able to relax and his breath and heart and adrenaline do not push him over the edge into panic and he cries out, grunting and groaning, “fuck.”

He watches Poe and understands the distinct pleasure of being swallowed by someone. When they’re lying in each other’s arms falling again to sleep, Finn can’t stop smiling about the odd fact that they are both full of each other, and it seems so _right._


	5. Chapter 5

A week later, Finn is lying in bed with his arms around Poe’s stomach and saying, “Don’t do it. You can’t go.”

Poe is laughing and Finn loves the sound. Loves the warmth of Poe’s belly against his cheek. It’s warm and soft.

“OK,” Poe says, “I’ll tell the General I can’t go. The war’s off; I gotta stay home with my boyfriend.”

“As long as I don’t have to see her.”

“I don’t know how you’ve managed to avoid her for so many weeks.”

“I don’t know how you’ve managed not to.”

Poe laughs. “Can’t. We’ve got work to do.”

They look at each other, smiling, but their smiles soon fade seeing in each other’s faces what it is they’re fighting for.

“How long do we have?”

Poe picks up the clock on the nightstand. “Depends what you want to do.”

Finn kisses Poe’s stomach, moving from the ribs to the navel and coarse hair tickles his lips.

“Whoa, OK.” Poe laughs.

Finn reaches a hand to Poe’s back, fingers pressing against his ass as he moves his hand inside of Poe’s pants. He kisses Poe’s bare hip. “I want to try something else,” he says. He squeezes Poe’s cheek. “But I don’t know how to do this so you’ll have to show me.”

Finn hears clattering. He looks up at Poe and he’s looking at the clock again. “I can be late.” He drops the clock and opens the nightstand drawer, digging around.

“What’s that?” Finn asks as Poe lifts a small bottle.

Poe uncaps it and holds out his hand, indicating for Finn to hold out his. It’s cold at first in Finn’s hand, and it’s clear and he stares at it.

Poe lifts his hips from the bed, pulling his pants off. Finn is thrilled to see his hard cock, and with it he feels a flutter in his chest like a warning and he says to himself, _No don’t do that_.

Poe nods toward Finn’s hand. “Put that on yourself, see how it feels.” Poe’s hands are on Finn’s hips, tugging at his pants until his erection is exposed. Finn grips it, sliding his wet hand over himself, listening to the noise it made. A groan escapes his mouth.

“That’s amazing,” he says.

“It helps you go inside of me easier.”

Finn feels the warning flutter again.

“You OK? Cause we don’t have to do this,” Poe says.

“Does it hurt? I mean, it does, doesn’t it?”

Poe’s smile is soft. “It can, a little. It’s mostly pressure. I’ll relax, we’ll take it slow. You’ll loosen me up first, I’ll show you.”

Finn sits with his wet hand held in front of him and he’s not sure what he’s doing, what he should be doing. He just feels his heart beating faster.

Poe grips his shoulders and looks into his eyes. “What are you thinking? You’re in charge here, but you have to tell me what you want or I can’t help you.”

Finn looks at his hand. It’s shining in the light. “Loosen?”

***

Poe is looking at Finn and Finn’s brow is furrowed, his hand held out like he’s begging for alms and he realizes they won’t have near enough time to do this, not today, not now. Sure, if Finn were more experienced, but this isn’t the time.

“Why don’t I loosen you up a bit, let you get a feel for what I do and what it’s like.”

Finn is looking down at his hand, and then his eyes are on Poe’s. “This just seems a lot more complicated than everything else we’ve done.”

Poe laughs gently. “Yeah, it is.”

Finn wipes his hand off on his bare leg. “I’ve seen pictures. They used to show me pictures of that and I thought it looked like it hurt, but that didn’t stop me from getting hard and triggering the shock.” Finn laughs. “None of this makes any sense to me. I don’t know why I like it so much, but getting off with you is so great.”

Poe laughs as well to match Finn’s demeanor. It’s the first time he’s ever heard Finn talk about what happened to him without crying, but he still senses a deep fear somewhere farther down than just behind Finn’s eyes.

“I just never realized that there would be so many steps. Or, you know, goop.” Finn makes a face and Poe can’t help but kiss him.

“Tell you what, “ Poe says. “Lie down. On your stomach. I’ll show you what this goop can do, and I’ll get you off and then I’ll go on my mission and we’ll revisit this when I come back and we have more time.”

Finn’s naked body is pressed against the sheets and the mattress. Poe clicks the bottle open, squirting lube into his hand. He parts Finn gently, pressing lube across the opening of his hole, without entering.

Finn flinches. “It’s cold!” His voice is muffled by a pillow.

“You still good?” Poe asks.

Finn spreads his arm out beside him, his fist resting on the mattress. He lifts his thumb in approval.

“OK, I’m going to go in this time. Just relax your body, and tell me if you want me to stop.”

Finn lifts his fist from the sheet, repeating his consent.

Poe slips his finger in against the hole. Finn turns his head to the side, and his eyes are closed.

***

Finn’s jaw is clenched and he can feel Poe’s finger against him in the coldness. His heart is pounding and he’s hoping he can tolerate it, hoping it doesn’t hurt, hoping Poe won’t think he’s weak if he can’t take it.

Slowly the pressure against his hole increases. He can feel it opening and the finger inside him, and it doesn’t hurt—in fact, it’s an incredible pleasure, this pressure, the smoothness with which the finger enters, and Finn curls immediately in to a tight ball, rolling away from Poe. He gasps and his heart is crashing against the walls inside him.

It isn’t pain, it’s the sheer intimacy of the feeling, the pleasure of being entered, of having his body at so much mercy to Poe, that he hadn’t expected, that had sent him past his nervousness into this state.

Poe is apologizing. He can hear the voice, distantly, and he wants it closer, just not inside. He doesn’t want anything inside him right now. He manages to eke out, “hold me,” and Poe’s arms are around him, tightly, grounding him.

Finn closes his eyes, matching his breath to the rise and fall of Poe’s chest against his back. “I’m sorry,” Finn says.

“Did I hurt you?”

Finn is shaking his head. He clenches his teeth and waits.

“I’ll let go,” Poe says, “I’m going to get you a pill.”

“OK,” Finn says.

***

When Finn recovers, Poe asks him again. “Did I hurt you?”

Finn shakes his head again.

“What happened?”

Finn is looking down at his arm where Poe had gripped him while he panicked. He wipes the residue of lube in to a thin layer so it dries. Finn leans forward, kissing Poe, and Finn is kissing so delicately and his tongue is so sweet and precious inside Poe’s mouth. He pulls away. “I just,” he says. “I just _really_ liked it.” His smile is wide and Poe smiles wide back.


	6. Chapter 6

Finn is waiting on the tarmac when Poe pulls up again, and Poe climbs down right into Finn’s arms and they hold each other tight and kiss soundly and after missions like this the others don’t tend to notice and holler because they’re all too busy feeling relieved that they’re alive.

“I’m so glad you aren’t stuck on some moon somewhere out in the sky,” Finn says.

Poe leans his forehead against Finns and looks intently in his eyes. “Me too,” he says. “Me too.”

Poe takes Finn’s hand and Finn follows as he heads inside the base where Snap and Leia are waiting. Finn feels his face warm, seeing Leia again for the first time in several weeks.

She smiles at him delicately.

Poe, still holding Finn’s hand, hand’s over a piece of metal. “Recovered from the supply ship with took out,” he says.

Snap takes it. “We’ve got plenty of material to dig through.”

“We’ll be here for a while looking through codes and maps and who knows what,” Leia says.

Poe leans into Finn. “It’s never just supplies on supply ships.”

“Yeah,” Finn says. “Who do you think sorted the supply shipments?”

They all raise their eyes to Finn.

“I’m new to the Resistance, not new to this war,” he reminds them.

“We appreciate your service, more than you know, I think,” Leia says. She pats his shoulder then points to Poe. “Just careful with this one, he likes trouble.” Her smile is all in her eyes as she looks at him in comforting way.

He stammers, and eventually says nothing, but he understands that she is telling him he is not in any trouble for the indiscretion in the briefing room.

“Madam General,” Poe says. “Permission to take a twelve hour leave?”

She smiles up at Poe, and Snap watches carefully. “Twelve hours?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he says. “And I’d like to take this one with me,” he says, inclining his head toward Finn.

“What do you think, Snap?” She says. “Do we need these two?”

Snap looks up at Poe and smiles. “We could keep them here, but I think they’d be pretty must useless if we did.”

Poe reaches out a hand to Snap’s shoulder, gripping it. Snap reciprocates the gesture and they both nod at each other.

“Twelve hours,” Leia says. “Double check the schedule, but I think the cliff house is even free.”

***

Soon, they’re back on the cliff house by the sea and the stars are glowing milky and Finn smiles at the bed because he can’t believe how far he’s come since last time he was lying there in Poe’s arms. He throws himself on the bed, bouncing and smiling up at the ceiling. “We’re going to do this, right?” he says.

Poe climbs on to the bed after him, nuzzling his head against Finn’s shoulder and he says, “I want to, so if you want to, yes, we should do this.”

Finn smiles. “I have an idea, too,” he says. “I should take a pill first, calm down and then I should be fine.”

Poe nods. He undresses and gets the bottle of lube while Finn swallows his pill.

Finn takes the bottle from Poe. “What do I do now?”

Poe lies down on his stomach.

“Wait, I remember this part from earlier.” Finn squeezes lube into his hand and presses it into Poe’s cleft, hearing Poe take a sharp breath. “Cold, huh?” Finn asks.

“Yeah.” Finn looks up at Poe, and his face is turned toward Finn and he’s smiling. Finn has to pause his task to kiss Poe’s mouth, tasting him and relishing the flavor and the way it feels, in his mouth and in his chest and he thinks about what they’re about to do and he feels himself go hard.

He returns to Poe’s backside, and against presses his fingers between him and against the hole and slowly pushed one finger in and it’s so tight and Poe moans in pleasure and Finn remembers what that felt like. He bends forward and presses a kiss to the small of Poe’s back. “What now?”

“Just slowly in and out.”

Finn does so, and he feels Poe loosening. It’s easier to move inside of him.

“How far in can I go?” He looks up at Poe, whose face is clenched in pleasure and groans and Finn smiles because somehow he forgot that Poe would be feeling so much. He’s too stuck in his head, too stuck in his worry about what it is he’s doing and what exactly this activity is like.

And it’s almost like Poe reads these thoughts in his mind, because he says, “You go for it. Push in as far as you want, do whatever you want. I’ll tell you if it’s too much, but just enjoy what you’re doing.”

Finn smiles, heart racing in his chest. He pushes a finger in again, pushing up as far as he can and Poe lets out the most delicious sounding moan Finn has ever heard. Finn takes a deep breath, and presses two of his fingers together, slowly inserting them into Poe, and again the groan and Finn wants to feel Poe, feel how hard he is, so he reaches around and grips his cock and it’s so hard. He doesn’t move his hand along Poe’s shaft but holds it still as he presses both his fingers in again, and Poe is writhing. Finn continues this, gripping Poe and pressing fingers in and out and in and out until he decides to see how far in he can press, and soon he has three fingers inside of Poe and Poe can hardly hold himself still and he blurts out, “Get inside of me, Finn.”

Finn takes several deep breaths, spreading lube across his own cock, leaning forward above Poe and he guides himself to Poe’s hole and presses the tip in barely and Poe’s face clenches and he says, “Fuck me, Finn.”

Finn pushes farther in, slowly, the warmth and tightness of Poe holding his cock and he doesn’t know if he’ll last much longer. He presses in as far as he can go, and Poe is pressing back against him and it is like nothing Finn has ever felt before in his life.

He lays his chest against Poe’s back and his face is in Poe’s hair and he kisses him behind his ear. Poe turns his head toward Finn and Finn leans forward for a kiss. With each small movement he feels himself moving slightly inside of Poe and he groans into Poe’s mouth.

Finn closes his eyes, bending his knees and pulling himself out of Poe, not all the way, before pressing himself in again. He is still moving slowly, but he can hardly take it. He breathes in and out, bracing himself for the next movement, focusing his mind so he doesn’t come quite yet, but he knows it’s hopeless. “Poe,” he says. “I’m not going to last.”

“It’s OK, feel free to go for it.”

Finn regains focus and starts moving again, and it doesn’t take much longer only a few thrusts, and when Poe’s moans give way to calling out Finn’s name, Finn loses it, spilling into Poe and crying out his name in response.

Finn’s heart is pounding, but he is not panicking, only enjoying the aftermath of coming inside of Poe. He rolls off to the side, and Poe sits up, pulling Finn’s legs around his lap, so Poe’s cock is right next to Finn’s, and Poe is rubbing Finn’s stomach with one hand, jacking himself off with the other until he comes, pouring onto Finn’s cock and stomach.

He keeps himself between Finn’s legs as he lies forward pressing hungry kisses to Finn, and Finn kisses back with just as much fervor.

“That was so good,” Poe breathes into Finn’s ear.

Finn feels the weight of Poe on top of him, thinking back over the past weeks since his first visit with Poe here. He stares up at the skylight and the stars are blinking in the purple sky. Somewhere out there he thinks, is a star ship full of an army of other tortured and conditioned just like him. And there too are those who torture, those who train an entire army how to feel and who to be, and how not to love.

“We’re going to beat them,” Finn says. “We’re going to win, and we’re going to free all of their slaves.”

Poe smiles at him.

“And I’m going to love you probably for the rest of my life.”

***

Poe hears Finn saying the words, that he loves Poe and Finn has’ never said this before. Poe had said it early on not expecting it in return because he understood it was part of the package, part of what had been conditioned out of Finn. Part of what frightened Finn about Poe.

He holds Finn tight, pressing his lips to his. “I love you, too,” he says, wondering how he’d ever been frightened to fall in love with any, how he’d ever been too proud to say the words to someone. It felt like an honor to say them to Finn.

After a few minutes he feels a chill. He reaches off the side of the bed and grabs Finn’s jacket and pulls it over his arms.

Finn smiles at him. “You look sexy in my jacket.”

Poe smiles back, a crooked smile. “You look sexy out of it.”

Finn laughs, flexing his muscles for Poe, who kisses them in return.

When they are quiet and still, Finn says, “Imagine if I hadn’t been the one to escort you that day. I’d still be there and who knows where you would be.”

“I don’t want to think about that timeline.” Poe lies on his back next to Finn, staring up at the stars with him.

“But just think of how small a chance we had to meet, to be here together, to fall in love, to fight together. The odds are almost zero.”

Poe smiles, leaning his head in toward Finn. “Never tell me the odds,” he says.

After a few minutes Finn says, “Actually, it feels like the odds were always a hundred percent. We’d always be together in every timeline.”

“You’re awfully sentimental for a stormtrooper.”

“You’re awfully sentimental for a hot shot pilot.”

“OK, but we’ll have to play it cool for the others. Let them think we’re tough guys.”

Finn laughs. “I think they already know we’re not.”

Poe smiles at Finn so wide his eyes are scrunched and he can barely see. He rubs his nose against the corner of Finn’s eye.

Poe thinks back to something Leia had said to him. “Be careful,” she’d said, before all this had happened. “Fighting a war to protect your people, your planet, your way of life, your liberty. That’s easy. You fight and you can die and you know it’s worth the sacrifice. It’s all ideals, and ideals don’t miss you when you’re gone. You don’t have to worry what will happen to your ideals if you don’t make it home again. It’s when you love someone, when they’re you’re family, and you’re fighting a war for them, you start fighting a whole different war.”

He looks up at the stars and thinks about all the intel Snap and the General must be unraveling, that they’ll need Poe for in the morning to devise a strategy, and he knows that when the sun comes up, and he takes Finn in his X-Wing back to base, he’s going back to a whole different war.


End file.
